


War Games

by Zinfandel



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Consensual Violence, Fix-It, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Games, Gen, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Prank Wars, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Pre-Slash, Training, war games
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-19 13:03:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3611070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zinfandel/pseuds/Zinfandel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, maybe Rox and Eggsy are up to something. Maybe the other knights are catching on, Maybe its a super top secret mission that is very hush-hush. Maybe it's ambushing anyone and everyone they can for shits and giggles just to see them freak out, and Maybe they are hoping the game will catch on. </p><p>But what happens when the one person Eggsy doesn't want to attack gets wind of these antics? </p><p>Or, The fic where all the spies attack each other for funzies to 'keep them on their toes' </p><p>(more characters and tags will be added as they appear in the story. There will be future romance :>, promise.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Enjoy this more or less light hearted fun! (no promises on how light it will stay, i gravitate towards angst oops)
> 
> I am very fond of active relationships, of fighting and sparring, and how through these actions relationships form :>

Eggsy huffed as he settled a bit more securely into the shrubbery, hunkering down and hiding as best as he knew how. His face was smeared with camouflage makeup, he was entirely dressed for stealth and disappearance.

Did you know even the Kingsman camo was bullet proof? Fuckin’ rich wankers had way too much money to throw away, jesus.

Ever so carefully, he edged his rifle through the roots of the plant and focused in on the gravel pathway. His tortoise shell special issue glasses on his painted face looked ridiculous to him, but whatever he was hiding, who would know.

He settled in to wait. It would be a bit, he had some time before the mark came around. Eggsy rested his cheek on the scope and grinned.

This was fuckin’ fabulous. How did he ever end up so goddamn lucky anyways? A Kingsman? Even after he failed the interview? Apparently his knighthood was unheard of, but extenuating circumstances impressed the powers that be and he was bestowed with his forebears namesake, Galahad.

That was almost two years ago. Two years on salary at the best most terrifying and exhilarating job in the world.

The best because hey, the wage was ridiculous. He was surrounded by people of his kind of caliber (not the rich part, the character part, ok?), and for the first time in his life he was in the company of people who _cared_. Talented, amazing, and cool beyond definition people. He himself was valued and important, he had his own talent and skills, and a perspective that was appreciated and even sometimes sought after.

Unheard of right? Who would ever want an opinion from  a tosser like him? But hey, it was fun teaching the stiff assed privileged class to loosen up. And maybe a class or two about free-running , parkour, pick pocketing, busking, rough sleeping, and general street smarts were things the kingsman organization highly valued.

The terrifying parts were more easily listed off. Who doesn’t find being shot at scary? And just because his near weekly routine of it maybe got him used to hundreds of near death experiences, it didn’t ever get any less pants-shitting horrifying. Also the expectations put upon him, his desire to do well, to prove himself, to stay alive and sane and his own man might sometimes get to a guy.

Not mention that Harry fucking Hart had apparently survived and was now Arthur? How mind numbing was that even?

Eggsy sighed again, and closed his eyes for a moment.

That was the most terrifying thing to date. Seeing him transferred back to the estate after months in coma in Louisville. Seeing him a changed man, thinner, greyer hair, stress lines, missing an eye...Realizing his survival was kept a secret from him as Merlin monitored him an ocean away.

It was hard. Scary. It was also something Eggsy still, even sixteen months later, hadn’t quite faced and squared away mentally.

Harry was back on his feet, still in physical therapy, but mentally above par. He was nearly done with all recovery and had taken up Arthur’s mantle quite exquisitely. The two of them were close, but a strained distance was still there. Neither of them seemed keen on sitting down for what they both knew was a necessary talk and Eggsy was perfectly content putting it off indefinitely and-

Oh _Fuck_.

The crunch of gravel under boot almost startled Eggsy and he had to remember he had a fucking mission and his mission was-

He quickly lined the scope, saw the jogger come up the path with their dog trotting obediently on leash in front of them. It was half past six a.m. and they were right on time. Eggsy grinned a wicked cheshire thing, aimed and…

“Jesus _bloody_ hell!”

The dog barked, the leash forgotten and darted to the source of the carnage while the target stood rigid, arms outstretched like ten gallons of ice cold water was just doused on their head.

“Eggsy fucking Unwin! I will have your goddamn head! Sic ‘im!” The mark shrieked, and the dog bounded into the bushes and Eggsy couldn’t get up fast enough before his sleeve was between poodle teeth and viciously yanked from side to side.

Eggsy shouted and rolled out from his cover and Roxy was above him instantly, her jogging gear covered in hot pink blank powder. Napoleon had let go of his arm and was excitedly jumping directly _on_ him and Eggsy coughed and laughed and then _choked_ as a running shoe pressed down on his neck.

“You ruined my clothes. Again!” Roxy glowered, not even winded from her morning jog. Eggsy’s hands came up in surrender and he grinned. She stepped down harder.

He gagged and grabbed at her foot, but knew his life wouldn’t be spared if he tried to tackle her, so Roxy relented after a moment and stood there arms akimbo as Eggsy sat up and laughed.

“Got you good tho’.” He wheezed and rubbed at his neck. “It’s six and six now. I caught up. Best step up your game, _Lancelot_.”

Roxy rolled her eyes and held a hand out for him. Eggsy took it and was unceremoniously yanked to his feet. “You look ridiculous.”

“Yeah well, the specs don’t come in goggle versions.”

“Yes they do.”

“You’re shittin’ me. And I was suffering like this for a year!” Eggsy groaned as the pair of them began to walk back towards the estate.

Roxy finally laughed, and Eggsy whined again. He quickly realized they had kept that intel from him on purpose. Just to make him look a fool. Peaches.

“Ah well.” Eggsy continued. “Mimosas and breakfast on the patio?” He asked “My treat.”

“You don’t pay for it anyways.” Roxy countered side-eying her fully camouflaged friend.

“Yeah? So?”

“Fine.” She said curtly as they approached the stairs at the mansion. “Meet me in a half hour. Now I have to shower.” She grumbled looking down at her ruined obviously designer activewear.

Eggsy grinned, and if he was a bit self satisfied to ruin yet another stupidly overpriced outfit of Rox’s, no one was to know.

“Aight, You’re the guv’nr, Rox, you know that?” He called as he parted ways with her in the hall.

“Of course I do, Eggsy.” She replied waving him off without even a backwards glance.

Eggsy laughed as he headed for the lockers.

A half hour later found the pair of them at a fussy little wrought iron table out on the patio, both fresh and pink from scalding showers with wet hair sipping mimosas over quiche.

Roxy had a leather bound ledger with her that Eggsy was looking at over her plate and humming.

“Hah, see? Now we’re even.” He pointed to some coded lines of information that all the world looked like Roxy prattling on in a diary about the cost of a hair appointment.

“Yes, I know Eggsy, don’t hurt your elbow now.” She said as she wrote some more about posh shampoo brands.

“Oh oh, is that Percival I see not having any action in nearly a Month?” Eggsy pointed to a segment about croquet.

Roxy grinned and underlined the words ‘cold-ball’ and began to write about croquet on the next page. “How observant Eggsy. You think its time we have a match?”

“Why I do indeed, Sir Lancelot. Can’t be letting old Percy get complacent, eh?” Eggsy said, cutting a slice of his quiche and nibbling at it.

“Also Agravain will be coming home soon and I think he needs a reminder. And Cador has maybe caught on to who is doing what around here and wants in. Think we should invite her?”

“The more the merrier.” Eggsy said after a sip of juice. “She could be really handy. Good shot. I bet we could really ruffle some feathers getting her to perch on the bookshelves for a good old sniping.” Eggsy grinned.

Roxy’s returning smile was just as mischievous.

Ah, he forgot to mention. The most exhilarating part of being a Kingsman? Fucking ambushing your fellows in an indefinitely ongoing game of war.

 


	2. Agravain's Demise?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agravain is arriving back to HQ, Roxy and Eggsy are quite prepared. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so This officially has no conceivable plot beyond pulling stupid shenanigans on other stiff silver-stick-up-their-asses knights. Shit might go down once Harry catches wind of things, but eh, we can have some fun till then. 
> 
> Also, not brit-picked. I am woefully American, so keep up on calling me out. I have learned that quiche is more of a lunch thing unless it is mushroom or a sausage kind, and mimosa's are american or only reserved for weddings or very very fancy places and tea is more proper (lol tea), also never ever ever add cream to tea, but a splash of milk is alright :>

One, Rox was a motherfucking genius, and two, Merlin would kill them if he ever found out that Roxy had discovered a way to patch their glasses together in a private individual communication feed where they could securely share images and speech without being overheard.

Percival never knew what hit him.

Well, ok. Of course he did.

As much fun as Eggsy thought it might be to just ambush their co workers with no warning, he knew how terrible of a bad idea it was to truly startle trained killers, and sending the whole estate into lockdown was more of a headache than a fun practical joke.

So, Rox and he came up with a method.

A copper calling card discretely slid into the breast pocket of their target’s unoccupied suit. With a time and date stamped into the metal of their inevitable demise. and a small request on the bottom of ‘Please Do Not Inform Arthur’.

Not a single agent has yet ratted them out.

But that is not to say that not a single agent hasn’t caught them either. Cador did. Percival definitely has, multiple times.

So maybe they weren’t always as awesome as they hoped, but hey, thats what made it fun.

Giving their targets time to prepare evened the playing field and man, the shit some of those guys prepared for was ridiculous!

Obviously, Eggsy never got to amnesia dart Bors in the loo. The guy had a rocket launcher leaning against the sink and Eggsy accepted his defeat gracefully, by never fucking showing up.

Today, the pair of them were perched above the window gables of the mansion, a large tub balanced between them, waiting.

Agravain was arriving back by car. He had received a virtual memo courtesy of Roxy, with a vague timeframe of ‘upon your arrival’.

Eggsy nudged Rox’s knee as a black cab pulled through the gates down the drive. They both tensed, hands rummaging into the tub, preparing to strike.

The car pulled up to the front of the mansion and as the back passenger door opened both of them whipped their arms in unison unleashing a storm of water balloons. Childish, maybe. But satisfying? Oh, most definitely. They pelted the car as the passenger door slammed back shut and laughed outright when the driver merely turned on his wipers.

Then, they paused, all out of balloons and waited with bated breath for a soggy and thoroughly defeated Agravain.

Ever so slowly, the other passenger door opened. Roxy’s gasp caught behind her teeth. Out stood a perfectly dry and perfectly coifed Agravain. He looked pointedly up at the pair of them on the roof and gave them a crisp and snarky salute.

The other door opened. Shit. Shit fucking fuck-

Merlin. Merlin got out wringing his sweater, dripping onto the gravel, his face red, and the most thoroughly unimpressed scowl across his features.

“Fuck!” Eggsy shouted and shoved at Rox. “Run, Run!”

She needed no other hinting to grab the crown moulding and swing around the corner of the windows to scale the building and promptly disappear. Eggsy however stood up , toting the tub in one hand and waving at Merlin.

“Sorry, bruv!” He shouted down from his perch.

“I will have your hide!” The man nearly shrieked back. Yeah, he was mad. Eggsy sighed. Well, he could take this hit he supposed. Maybe Rox would treat him later for covering for her.

“You’ll have to catch it first!” Eggsy yelled and mocked Agravain’s salute to Merlin before slinging the rope handles of the tub across his shoulders and darting off the way Roxy went.

…

Turned out, Merlin had no need for any hunting to catch Eggsy. All he had to do was send a very simple text.

_ My office. Now. _

Roxy really owed him.

With trepidation, Eggsy made his way underground, figuring being prompt was better than delaying the inevitable and possibly further incurring Merlin’s wrath. He paused outside of Merlin’s office door and took in a deep breath to steel himself for whatever gruesome punishment their technical wizard could come up with and raised his knuckles to rap on the door-

Except it opened before he could knock and there stood his downfall, in a new and dry outfit.

“Eggsy.” Merlin said, and stood aside to let him in the room.

“Sir.” Eggsy replied as he entered and the door was shut behind him. He saw on a monitor the closing door of Merlin’s office. He had been anticipated, more so than the text message suggested.

“I should have you on unpaid leave for this childishness.” Merlin said from behind Eggsy, and he pivoted to confront his doom, his face paling as his stomach sank.

“No, please Merlin, You know I can’t- Anything but that. I’ll do anything-” Eggsy’s understandable panic overpowered the offense of Merlin’s words. The man knew, _knew_ , that Eggsy relied heavily on his salary to support his family. It was a generous salary to be sure, but the threat of insecurity was a severe one and he couldn’t find the anger at the moment to accuse Merlin of hitting an extremely low blow.

In response, Merlin merely raised a brow and asked, “Anything, hm?”

Shit again. He really stepped into it this time, didn’t he? Giving away his hand so quickly. Eggsy backtracked and stood up straight, squaring his shoulders and his stance to throw some defiance. “You know what I meant.”

“Well first, You tell me what that was, because It was planned. Choreographed even.” Merlin said as he crossed the room and sat in his chair, spinning it to face Eggsy instead of the monitor.

“Uh…”

“Very eloquent.” Merlin quipped and waved a hand towards one of his spare chairs. “Do elaborate.”

“Uhm…” Eggsy fumbled as he sat down stiffly. “Well, so what would you do if maybe, and this is a big maybe, but maybe w-I might have been playing er...jokes on some of the other agents…?”

“Jokes that involve death threats?” Merlin asked as he withdrew one of their copper calling cards from his breast pocket.

Eggsy swallowed. Triple Shit. “Fuck, no. No one’s dying. Its just some fun. How did you even get that?”

“Percival.” Merlin said primly. “He has quite a collection of them now.”

That rat. Eggsy mumbled that he would totally be getting him back.

“What was that?”

“Nothing!”

“Thought so. Anyways, these ‘jokes’ are far too well thought out. Who was on the roof with you?”

Eggsy scoffed at the insult and crossed his arms over his chest. “Dunno what you’re talkin’ ‘bout.”

Merlin merely sighed and took his glasses off to rub at the bridge of his nose. “Should have guessed that one. Regardless, you will desist with this juvenile delinquency at once. We are, in case you have missed it, a professional organization that prides itself on its efficiency and discretion. These games? Disgraceful-”

“You’re just jealous that we’re havin’ a good time and you weren’t invited.” Eggsy spat out, then nearly bit his tongue. How many times was he gonna fuck this up today, good god.  

Merlin scowled at him and was about to really lay into him but Eggsy quickly cut him off. “You want in? Cador’s just about ready to become the next hawkeye to get a shot at Kay, and Percival is totally gonna eat it because what a fucking snitch!”

Merlin’s mouth dropped open slightly as Eggsy continued “Lionel hasn’t gotten a taste of what it’s like to be caught on the wrong foot yet, and if we do this right the recruits aren’t gonna know what the fuck hit them come two weeks and -ah-” Eggsy snapped his mouth shut, suddenly back in Merlin’s office aware that he’d been running his mouth about their _secret_ plans.

“Lionel, hm? And the recruits?” A twitch of a smile curled Merlin’s lip, and suddenly the tension that was eating Eggsy alive, causing him to word vomit, evaporated. Eggsy slumped back into the chair and relaxed, a cocky grin upturning his own features.

“Fuck yeah. You already run the new kids to death, but what if...their dogs are replaced with bunnies, and everyone ignores the difference. Or, i don’t know...replace their fatigues with sizes too small, or laxatives in-”

“No laxatives. I am not dealing with that mess.”

“You have better ideas?”

“Of course.” Merlin says and spun his chair back to his monitors to bring up the dining room where twenty odd fresh faces were eating lunch. “A time bomb defusion that they can’t complete, or a drug and drop-off at an unknown location or…”

“Woah woah, Merlin. We actually aren’t trying to kill anyone. This is supposed to be fun. Keep ‘em on their toes. Like sniping them from the roof as they jog with paintballs or something.” Eggsy grinned, and Merlin turned back to him smiling the same shark smile.

“I like that one.” He said.

“Do we have an accord?” Eggsy asked, standing up and holding a hand out.

“Potentially,” Merlin said, standing and shaking Eggsy’s hand. “But, I insist on knowing the specifics of each and every pursuit.”

Eggsy nodded, it’s not a desirable concession, but he’d take it. Rox would understand. She’d probably love it actually. Maybe they could get some of the really nice gear to play with.

“Oh,” he suddenly remembered their caveat and Eggsy reached up to clasp Merlin’s hand in both of his. “This will be really fun, I promise, but please please don’t tell Arthur?”

And Eggsy assumed his sudden non-sequitur off balanced Merlin just enough that he nodded with slightly wide and curious eyes.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has any prank ideas they'd like to see played out or attempted hit me up on tumblr!  
> [Here at Zinfandelli](http://zinfandelli.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I look forward to new ideas!


	3. Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Percival made a grave mistake the day he turned over his death-threat to the proper authorities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i mention i have no beta? lol. Enjoy some good old light-hearted violeeeeence.
> 
> Also, no one shall ever call Percival, Percy or Perce and live to tell the tale. Except these two assholes.

“Hey Percy! You fuckin’ twat!”

The man in question spun on his heel as he was about to round the corner of the hall and stopped dead, eyes widening ever so slightly in well concealed alarm.

Why?

Because Roxy and Eggsy were at the other end of the hall in full mock black ops gear, covered from head to toe, both toting impressive automatics. Roxy had her gun aimed directly at the man who was woefully underdressed for the occasion and let Eggsy taunt him.

“Now see here,” Percival started, Eggsy let him, “Property dama-”

A very real live round dug itself into the chair rail moulding not two feet to Percy’s left, courtesy of one very still and very silent Lancelot.

“Don’t give a fuck ‘bout ‘property damage’, Perce.  Ready to be the first casualty?”

“ _Like bloody hell I am_!” The man shouted down the hall and immediately followed his words somersaulting towards them drawing his two pistols from his concealed holsters, aiming at them in the blink of an eye, then firing.

Eggsy bounced on his toes letting out a huff of laughter as he and Rox scattered to each side. Roxy was deft in her return fire and had Percival pressing up into a door frame to doubly return her the favor. The frame splintered and rained shards of paint and wood down onto him.

Eggsy ran for the corner and spun around it for safety before taking his own aim and getting a shot in right at the toes of Percival’s oxfords. The man jumped and swore, nearly spitting in anger before taking off right after them.

Roxy snorted and soon joined Eggsy around the corner.

“Oh no you _bloody don’t_! You get your scrawny arses _right back here_ or so help me-!” Percy yelled as he sprinted the rest of the way down the hall nearly slipping on the runner to turn the corner. He slammed into the far wall just in time to catch Eggsy and Roxy rounding the next corner in a mad dash away from their properly enraged pursuer.

‘This will be docked from your pay.’ Merlin’s voice sounded to life in the pairs’ ears. Eggsy whooped and pumped his fist before veritably smacking Rox on the shoulder as she laughed and jumped to kick off the wall as they rounded another corner so she wouldn’t have to slow down.

Eggsy however spun at the corner and braced himself into the wall to loosely aim and fire a volley of bullets at Percival who was much closer on their tails than anticipated.

The air punched out of his lungs as a bullet hammered into his body armor and Eggsy gasped, immediately winded. He couldn’t even breathe to whip out a retort he had to push off and continue running through the manor. That would be a horrible bruise. Ah well.

He caught back up with Rox who waited for him on the final stretch of hallway they allotted for their Percival take-down. He couldn’t see it behind their face masks, but he knew she was smiling a maddened thing at him as she heaved for breath.

Percival’s footsteps rung true and the pair of them smacked each other’s forearms before turning to face their foe.

Percy slid to a halt at the corner and aimed both guns at them, one trained on each of them. Eggsy let his rifle fall to his side to raise his hands up in mock surrender.

“Aw Perce, no hard feelings, yeah?”

“ _Every_ hard feeling, Eggsy.” The man ground out.

“But you tattled, Percy. What a narc.”

“What a pointless thing to piss over.” He said, glancing at Roxy who again had her gun trained on him as well, most certainly deadly.

“You wearin’ the proper suit, Perce?” She finally spoke up.

“Don’t you fucking _dare_.”

“Oh, won’t she?” Eggsy goaded him. “You already shot me. What’s a few bullet wounds between friends?”

“Oh, we aren’t friends,” Percival said and just as his finger made to squeeze the trigger, Roxy, quick as lightning, pulled her and fired a warning shot into the wallpaper, closer to him this time than before.

And Percival didn’t even flinch. Instead he growled and dug his heels into the carpet and charged them. Eggsy totally didn’t shriek as he scrambled to turn around and follow Rox who was already ten feet in front of him.

He ducked as a bullet pierced a painting above his head.

“Eggsy!” Roxy shouted a second later and the pair of them fell into form, switching up their haphazard retreat to jump off the hallway runner and run along its edges to the window at the end of the corridor.

Twenty feet from the window and Percival didn’t know what hit him. Roxy was first through the glass, shattering it as she jumped and Eggsy followed her out the first floor pane into the side gardens crunching into the gravel and grass as he landed.

Percival actually did shriek in alarm and even more horrifying swears as the carpet slid from under his feet.

Eggsy and Rox had detached the runner and glued plastic furniture sliders to it’s underside so it would skid like it was greased over the highly polished wood flooring of the manor. Percival clearly, from the split second sound of it, was completely caught off guard.

Merlin was nearly choking with laughter into their ears as he watched from the multiple cctv cameras that littered the whole estate.

Then, a loud _thump_ sounded and Percival was toppling out of the window uncontrolled, arms flailing, guns long gone, dropped somewhere in the hall. He tipped right out and Eggsy was oh so conveniently under the sill to catch one very disgruntled spy in his arms.

Percy was dumbstruck as Eggsy held him in a princess carry. The man was a good fifteen years both their senior, being hefted up into a better grip by Eggsy.

Roxy was peeling off her helmet and face mask. Her hair was plastered down to her forehead, but her smile was more than beaming. Eggsy laughed outright.

Then promptly dropped agent Percival on his ass.

“Revenge.” They both said together.

 


	4. Unprofessional Mission A.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy gets himself into a rough spot and soothes his nerves with a good bout of plotting. Sinister evil, bound to be so beerlariously fun plotting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh hi again. How bout some fun. there's lots of angst out in the hartwin world these days. we gotta cure that :> (not that this is anywhere near hartwin oh my god i'm trash) as always, not beta'd, and i didn't even really look over this chapter much so apologies for mistakes, point em out to me. i just needed to get this one off my chest.
> 
> also, i love all the names people have come up with for merlin's subordinates. they are awesome. the bird ones are especially cool. but i didn't wanna step on any toes, so i chose to name them after magics :> hope it doesn't come off as too weird.

“Hey Merlin.”

“Galahad?”

“Is Lance around? Get her on the specs?” Gunshots filter in like static through the speakers on Merlin’s monitor. Rubble falling adds to the effect and the screen of Eggsy’s glasses wobbles and tilts down to his dusty shoes.

“Things bad? What has your handler been doing? Who’s on your feed? Conjuring? Where-”

“Woah, woah. Slow down. Connie’s here. She’s just tied up for a minute seeking routes.”

“Sorry, Merlin. Give me just a mo’,” A young woman’s voice pipes up after Eggsy’s. She sounds flustered. Conjuring is very rarely ruffled, Merlin notes with a bit of apprehension.

“Then why Lancelot? Me?” He asks his agent.

“I, ah,” Eggsy starts, then pauses a moment and Merlin watches him rise up from his hiding place and return fire. He sees a man fall before Eggsy hunches back down behind his section of crumbling wall.

Merlin brings up Eggsy’s mission dossier on another screen and hums quietly. Galahad is out in eastern europe, caught between rival mafia organizations. His mission was to stop an assassination attempt on one faction’s head. Looks like that had devolved into an all out war in the streets by what he’d observed so far.

“I just had a good idea, and I wanted Lance to get it jotted before I forget.” Eggsy finishes and slides a fresh clip into one pistol.

“Are you injured?” Merlin asks instead.

“Nah. Not really.” Eggsy replies and shifts so he can peek through a hole.

“Ok, Galahad. On your six. The cctv’s show an opening. Get to the cafe and there is roof access. Target still in his vehicle. From there snipe them off.” Conjuring’s voice chimes in.

“With pistols?” Eggsy asks, sounding disappointed.

“Unfortunately, unless, hold on.” She cuts back out.

“Yay or nay, Merlin?” Eggsy redirects his attention and shifts in the rubble, a rain of dust filters down from a close shot.

“They’re at home, let me get them on their tablet.” He replies briskly and gives Roxy a quick text message. Not even a minute later and another screen appears with Roxy’s face on it. She’s in pajamas on her sofa.

“Galahad?” She asks and immediately Eggsy’s video feed sags and he laughs.

“What a sound for sore ears. Hey, Lance. I had a sweet idea.”

“Oh?” She asks and grins.

“Alright. Change of plans.” Conjuring says. “The post office behind the line of fire on your three and a half has one of _their_ snipers perched. Want to go for that?”

“Sounds fun.” Eggsy quips. “Give me a mo’ Lance, stay on the line?”

“Sure, Galahad.”

“Watch this then.”

“Don’t hurt your elbow now.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, love.” Eggsy says then inhales deeply before the screen blurs in sudden action.

From experience, Merlin knows Eggsy has rolled from his cover. Loud gunshots ring through his earpiece and he’s on the move, firing and ducking. Then, Eggsy scales a jeep hands free and leaps directly onto a man on it’s other side, taking him down with a knee to the back of the neck and a bullet through his chest. He quickly untangles the strap across the man’s shoulder and takes his rifle.

“Nice.” Eggsy laughs.

“Loud. A Saiga?” Merlin interjects. “Have fun.”

Eggsy seems to have a new energy in him, being watched, being talked to. Roxy makes a comment here or there as the boy mows through both sides of the fire fight with his ridiculous rifle. The goons aren’t worth a penny so Eggsy shoots indiscriminately, his only goal is to keep both leaders alive. Destroying one gang entirely would put a terrible power vacuum in the area that the other gang would fill up and dangerously tip the politics of the country and it’s world standing. Sometimes, Merlin reasoned, bad people were also capable of good deeds, and region stability was high on the list of desirable outcomes post V-Day.

The next moment, Eggsy drops the gun, and grunts. His video feed tips to the ground. “Ow damnit.” He mutters and plucks a rather large bullet from the abdomen of his suit.

Conjuring hisses in pain for him and Eggsy is moving a second later. Without a gun he is much faster. He rolls under a car and scrambles out the other side, flips over a man ambushing from the alley and uses his own firearm to the underside of his jaw and keeps going. Roxy whistles and then a cheery bell jangles and the chaos is muffled, Eggsy made it inside.

Huffing and puffing Eggsy rubs at his stomach for a moment “So, I thought. What if we replace their dogs with bunnies.” He says as he vaults the post office counter and heads to the back.

Merlin chokes on his tea. Roxy laughs outright, and Conjuring hums off to the side, staying thoroughly out of this.

“Absolutely not.” Merlin reprimands once he can breathe again.

“Aw, why not?” Eggsy complains.

“Because that would be animal cruelty. Rabbits are very sensitive to stress.”

“Oh shit. I had no idea.” Eggsy says and stops a moment to run a hand through his hair. “Ok nix that then. Shit. Lance, any ideas? I was thinking…”

“What about doing a survival mission?” Roxy hums.

Merlin hums as well. “We haven’t actually utilized a survival drop style in decades.”

He can hear Roxy’s grin before he sees it “So they would have to find their way back to the mansion,” She says.

“Oh i love this,” Eggsy perks up and continues his path, finding a staircase with the door kicked in, he begins to scale the building not even bothering for any sort of stealth. “Where would you drop them? Siberia? The Sahara?”

“What about London?” Conjuring adds her two cents.

“Too easy.” Eggsy quips.

“What if London, with no access to any amenities?” She tries again.

And eggsy stops on the steps. “Oh…” He pauses and his glasses tip down to look at his hand on his heart. “Oh Connie.” Eggsy nearly swoons. “You’re a spell after my own heart you are.”

“What?” Roxy is lost.

So is Merlin.

“Lance this is it. It will be amazing.” Eggsy says eagerly and Connie is stifling a laugh. “Conjuring, you’re so hired. Merlin lets do it.”

“Do what exactly?”

“Drop em downtown. With nothing but but their pants. No money. No gear. Those posh little pricks wouldn’t know how to rough it if the rough spoonfed em. It will be so pristine!”

Roxy Ooh’d and Ah’d with admiration. “That one, from Cambridge, He’s a right Charlie reincarnation, he’d be drinking his own piss within the day.”

Eggsy laughed and scaled the stairs two at a time.

Merlin sat back in his chair, thoughtful. “Urban survival.” He said smartly and rubbed at his chin. “It would be a good exercise. I’m sure even most knights would be quite adrift without their stipends on missions.”

Eggsy shook his head and slowed down as he came to the door for the roof, he whispered this time, “Shall I lead the mission then?”

“You do have the most experience in this field, the applicants would be hard pressed to find a better mentor.” Merlin states, his tone much lighter than the subject of his words.

Eggsy hummed and paused. “But only if Lance and I can snipe ‘em from the rooftops.”

Merlin smiled. “I cannot stop you at least.”

“Right. Match set, Lance?”

“It seems we have an appointment at the horse stables within the month, Galahad.” Roxy states primly. “It is already within the ledger, how surprising.”

“Galahad,” Conjuring interrupts.

“Yes Connie, love?”

“Do your job.”

“Ah, fuck. Almost forgot. Thanks, love. Ta, Lance, Merlin. Gotta rescue my crusty old damsel!”

“Ta,” Roxy says and waves bye to Merlin before signing off.

Merlin sits back in his chair to watch Eggsy deftly take down the sniper and proceed to sweep the street for hostiles till quiet falls upon the sleepy town once more.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come gush with me about Kingsman at my Tumblr!  
> [Zinfandelli](http://www.zinfandelli.tumblr.com)


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